Full hearts.

what is that in the sky? it's a bird, it's a plane..   well it can't be superman because that's ME.

Today Gabe is wearing a blue sweatshirt, khaki pants, and brown shoes.

“It’s like — we wouldn’t dress up as pirates on Halloween because that is who we are all the rest of the year, you know?”

No, I don’t know. But I tried not to react as the woman in the nail salon explained to her pirate husband why it was crazy that one of their pirate friends dressed as a pirate for Halloween.

I was too busy to listen. I was standing in front of a wall of nail polish colors, frantically realizing I hadn’t given any thought to color choice before I’d arrived at the salon, which meant I was doomed to stare at the wall in indecision for the rest of eternity, and I didn’t have the spare brain cycles to devote to figuring out the context for this pirate story right now.

After a too-long delay, and in a “Kate, just grab something” frenzy, I grabbed a bubble gum pink and walked to the chair, trying to remind myself that making a bad call nail-polish-color-wise was not going to ruin my life. (And it turned out to even be a bad choice, but such is the mindset of someone who was moments ago completely paralyzed by indecision.)

Yesterday I had a terrible day, solely because I didn’t give a second of thought to how my day would go the night before. I’m realizing more and more that this is crucial for my happiness. I don’t have to plan out every second of the upcoming day, but I do need to know: “Is this a work day? What projects will I work on? Roughly how many hours? Or is it a day off? What kind of day off is it — is it a movies in bed day, or a going on a hike day?”

I didn’t make a decision Tuesday night, and consequently, Wednesday turned into a day of low-level anxiety as I shifted aimlessly from task to task. I couldn’t quite relax, nor could I dive into work. I just didn’t know what to do.

On a smaller scale, this happened to me again at the nail salon. I actually only went to get a mani-pedi because I wanted to relax and treat myself; I wasn’t going for my nails, I was going for my sanity.

So being suddenly confronted with a decision — one I should have been ready for, but hadn’t given a moment’s thought to — was startling.

In moments like those, I have to remember how lucky I am not to be living my life as a pirate. In the grand scheme of things, a wasted day or a bad nail polish choice is not so bad. Cannon fights, though? Crocodiles with alarm clocks in their bellies? No thanks. A land-lubber’s life for me.



  1. Don Royster

    Oh, no. The dreaded Wall of Indecision. You have my sympathy. I’ve had to face that wall 108 times. It is no fun. But the good new is there is a song that I want to dedicate to Gabe.

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