Today Gabe is wearing a grey fleece, a black t-shirt, khaki pants, and brown shoes.
This week I discovered that my poor dear English ivy plant is now the home to a family of spiders. Well, more like a womb of a family of spiders.
A few weeks ago, I moved my ivy plant outside because it was dying and I didn’t know what else to do. After I did that, my mom told me it might have been wilting because it was in a too-small pot — which turned out to be exactly the case. I repotted it in a bigger pot and trimmed back the longest vines so that the growth would be focused at the center, rather than sending all the good stuff out to the longest ends of the longest vines.
But it seemed to be doing well in the sunshine, and so, naively, I left it there.
And now it can never come back.
You guys, there are bugs outside and they will just make themselves at home in whatever they find that seems hospitable. Even your English ivy plant that is ONLY THERE TEMPORARILY. But is now out there for life.
I went out to water it yesterday afternoon, and thought, “It’s looking so good. It’s finally time to bring this baby back inside so it can keep beautifying my bathroom.”
And that exact moment is when I noticed a little spider web between a couple of the vines. A spider web dotted with dozens of tiny, baby spider eggs.
Goodbye, English ivy plant. You can never come indoors again.
I mean, I tried clearing the spider web out, but listen you guys — once you have seen a web of baby spider eggs on your plant, you will never be comfortable living with that inside your house.
Making the decision to bring that back into your house is like making the kind of decision people in horror movies make.
“You guys, it’s fine to go into the basement despite all the spooky warnings, right?”
No, it’s never alright. Did you not see all the spooky warnings??
And even if there’s not a nightmare spider apocalypse scenario HAPPENING IN YOUR HOME WHERE YOU SLEEP, then you at least will spend probably the rest of your life with that twitchy feeling that there might be something crawling on you, because you know that there is a not zero percent chance that there is a family of spiders being born at any second in your house.
Listen, I know spiders are everywhere and there still might one day be a family of spiders born in my house that take over and I have to move out and just leave them all my stuff. It still might happen.
But I am not going to be the one to make it happen by bringing a tainted ivy plant inside just because I want a beautiful bathroom. No sir.